Over this past year, I have once again come face to face with my humanity, its depravity and my need of a Savior. I guess I never forgot it completely. Yet one hazard of the Christian life is the tendency to measure performance and grade ourselves on how well we are living particularly in comparison with others. Due to our pride, we deceive ourselves believing we are better off than we are. Eventually, we all face the reality of shortcomings and failures, regardless of our maturity, strength or stature. It is part of our shared human experience.
Scripture states that there is a time and a season for everything. I guess it was my time for a reminder. Recent years have been so full of major life events, that the cumulative weight of them became so heavy and I buckled under the load. Carrie found herself crying and I found myself cussing, neither of which is our normal nature. During this season, I was reminded once again of how life is filled with beauty and difficulty simultaneously. At one point, when the weight felt unbearable, I realized my satisfaction and joy in life were derived from my performance and circumstances. Unconsciously, those had moved to the center of my life and God had been pushed to the side.
I took a deep breath and asked God for forgiveness and that he once again take his rightful place at the center. The weight hasn’t subsided and my legs aren’t fully stable, yet I have God’s peace and I trust that he is holding me. As I look back over the year, I thank God for the weight and the difficulty, not because it was good, but because I needed the reminder.